Contrast the two scenarios below..
M is our long time neighbour. She took VRS from her job 5 years ago. Since then she and her husband have been forced to live with their children in Bangalore to baby-sit their grand-daughter the whole day, so that the son and DIL can go to office without worrying about the safety and welfare of the kid. The grand parents have retired a couple of years back and wanted to spend the remaining years in Mumbai, enjoying , travelling, meeting and spending time with their friends and family.. all of what they could not devote a lot of time when they had their jobs. But then they felt that they could not refuse their kid’s plea for help. So now instead of enjoying their retirement days in peace, they are forced to live in a city they have never been to, where they do not have any friends or family, and where they cannot understand even a little bit of the local language. They cannot travel or go on a holiday, since then there would be no one to take care of the little girl. Isn’t child care the responsibility of parents? Is it right for a couple to just dump the kids on their parents since they are now retired and have some free time on their hands, instead of trying to work it out amongst themselves, reducing some work hours so that they can be home for the kid more.. try other alternatives like hiring a maid or keeping the kid at a baby-sitting?
The other scenario is of a relative K. When her DIL had a kid, she advised her to let the kid get used to baby-sitting so that both K and the DIL could get some time off for themselves. Even though both K and her DIL are SAHMs, the kid started going to baby-sitting for 2-4 hours a day. As a result, she got used to the people there. DIL wanted to take tutions for a couple of hours a few years down the line. Her job was now easier since the kid would happily go off to the baby-sitting and she could take her tutions in peace. Plus, she did not even have to trouble anyone else (read parents/in laws). Would you call K and her DIL selfish?
What scenario would you prefer? Even though I am sure that the grandparents love to spend time with their grandchildren and like to help out their sons and daughters, is it right to constrain them so much so that they do not get time to enjoy their life? I know I should not be the one to judge with having no experience at all in this area, but it just irked me, and I would hate doing this to my inlaws or parents.. Exploiting their good-nature for your own benefit, is just so wrong.
First! 😀
Nice points you have raised!
I also feel it is not right to burden parents with such things, especially because we know for a fact they’ll never say no! They do it for their children’s sake, but it’s still unfair!
Firstt, yay :D… and me first on your blog!! How cool is it 🙂
Yes, they won’t say no, because they would feel guilty of feeling selfish for not wanting to take care of the kid.. It is definitely unfair.. they have done their part of parenting… It is just fair for their children to step up.
Second.
Piyu, my grandparents willingly took care of me and my siblings. I loved it and I am sure they totally loved it. Its their choice.
The relative K and her DIL are sensible, not selfish. Two or three hours a day of ME time is certainly required to make one feel good. Hats off to this MIL, who thinks on these lines.
The case of your neighbor – if they are forced to live in a new city, then its not right. They also need to live their life as they feel like. I left my job, to take care of my kids. Even though MIL, my mom were all there to take care, I insisted that – I gave birth, the girls are my responsibility and I’ll be there to take care of them.
You know you just missed by a minute Uma.. how do you practise coming first all the time?? is Boost the secret of your energy 😛 😛
I feel the same way about K. She could forsee the long term advantages of her plan 🙂
See, forced as in, when kids request you, you don’t excatly say no na! But I know for a fact that initially this agreement was for the first 5 years.. but ab bhi.. the son and DIL are not even broaching the topic of letting them go.. or making any adjustments to that effect.
Wow Uma, you set a very nice example.. it sure is our own responsibility as parents.
Second option it HAS to be. I can’t even start listing down my reasons for it.
🙂
I agree. GParents can drop in and help whenever they want.. But P & I will be the primarily responsible. We would not want to tie them down to make our lives simpler
If they are being forced to do it, itz not right. If they like doing it and have offered it by themselves, its not wrong. They should have probably been clear as to what they want. Living in a new city, new people, language etc.. becomes secondary when you like what you are doing. I think thatz the key.
I am sure they like doing it. In fact I think they offered to do it initially.. for the first few years.. They had stated it even then, that they do not want to stay in that city for a long time..but even now the son and DIL are not willing/ not making any changes so as to allow for them to go back where they want.
If it were the same city.. it might have been a little better.. but even then, I somehow feel, completely transferring the child’s responsibility is wrong.
Scenario two makes sense, but you know what, lot of Gparents choose to, infact want to do this. Like Swaram said, if they are forced, ofcourse it is unfair, but they need to clarify that, no one would tie down their parents if they dislike it, or are unhappy. On the other hand, i know junta Gparents whose sole aim in life is grandkids 🙂
Oh, for those cases it might not be as bad .. I would not do it myself, probably more to do wanting to be there when the kid is growing up..
But if they like it, then its all good..
Sadly, all the cases I have seen.. the grand parents are not too happy, they do it because there is no one else to take care of the kid and the parents are unwilling to take the responsibility.
I know what you are talking about…
I don’t think Gparents should be held responsible for raising your kids even if they want to. A help every now and then is fine, but they should not be the primary care-takers… Even if they volunteer, and you happen to refuse, I am sure they’ll put their time to better use, which they deserve to!
I completely agree divs!!
Parents deserve that much. They can drop in and help as much and as long as they want.. but it should be the parents responsibility to be the primary care-takers.
@ Celestialrays:
Excellent point Divz 🙂
Scenario 2 – like others said me time is good..
if scenario 1 is about the grandparents were unqilling to move and have no freedom to do what they please with their golden years.
If however – they nagged their DIL for a kid…then ummm ummm…they deserve to be babysitting not one baby but twins…My MIL are u listening 😛
LOL!
@Nuttie I was telling The Dude about this post, and he said the SAME thing :))! That considering his mom is the one asking for a baby, she has to take care of it whasoever! Been laughing about that, and now I see this!
😀 😀
Haha.. Nuttie 😀 :D.. You should make all of those who are nagging you to take turns baby-sitting, diaper changing and all the kid chores 😀 😀
I might just take off on this – so I’m restraining myself. It seems that younger parents these days want it all – the good jobs for both and the security of their parents taking care of the kids! What about rotation of grandparents that seems to be the norm for NRIs especially in the States. Six months his parents are brought from India to provide care (and housekeeping services!) then the other six months it’s the turn of her parents. Can you imagine what disrupted lives the grandparents lead – not to mention the stress and strain of travelling etc. It’s a crazy and selfish world sometimes……Tell the second MIL to take a bow!
Yes, I have heard such stories too!!
And the grand parents feel even more restricted and uncomfortable in a new country. They should really just stand up to their kids and say no. It is such highly selfish and self-centered behaviour.
What K and DIL are doing is fine. Kids need to go off to pre-school for a while. Not just to give parents free time but also to get used to new people.
On the other hand, this can’t be possible when the mom is working. Parents/ in-laws can be brought over to take care of children. TOTALLY acceptable. BUT not for more than 2 years. 5 years is totally not justified.
I can see your point.. Yes, it is surely good for the kid to get used to new people ..
For the initial period, I agree, you may need some help from Mother or MIL.. that can be accepted.. but after that, they have their own lives too.
I like scenario 2. I have seen way too many kids taking advantage of their parents!
Me too! I hope I’ll be able to carry out something like scenario 2 myself.
I agree with you in both the scenarios. Yes . They love to take care of the grand children. But they also want to live in the place they feel close to. Unfortunately, there is no answer to this. I sincerely hope, I will never have to put any body in such trouble.
There is an answer that involves their children to step up and relieve them from the responsibility. That way they can be free to do what they desire !
I hope the same in my case too 🙂
As much as I would like to say two..It is complicated..specially with things about caregivers I hear in India.
So I can’t make a clear stand one way or the other.
But I hate the point where the MIL and FIL get no breaks..and hats off to the MIL and DIL for sending the kid to a daycare even if it is for a few hours. A lot of people in India do not understand that bit.
Hmm.. I am assuming you mean baby-sitters and creches by care-givers.. I do not have any experience personally, but there has to be some way of doing it without putting it all on the parents.. working from home for a couple of hours, or taking a break.. something should work out…
And in the worst case, if you still have no option but ask parents to help you out, I feel, one should give them 2-3 hour break from the kids.
It might not always be possible, but shouldn’t the kids atleast try so that they do not burden their parents with these responsibilities too?
Oh I agree..Grandparents should get a break..always..not even for a couple of hours a day..but a couple of weeks every few months..What we expect a break from work..so they should get some too for raising a baby is a lot of work..and they are not even getting paid for it.
And I am not saying they should be the ones to take care of grandkids..I know there are options..hell I use those options. But I have heard finding good daycares or nannies is very difficult in India. I have heard a lot of horror stories.. Like the one in Bangalore which was in news recently..where the nanny use to drug the baby and give him away to beggars during the day time to help them beg for Rs 100 a day. Now that is too scary
I have heard those stories too.. very very scary 😦
It is surely a difficult job to find a good day-care.
Very nice post.
Im totally against the Scenario one when someone needs to be bought to take care of your kids. We asked the MIL before E was born that do you want me to continue and she said I dont have anything to do the whole day so please go work! She and FIL live with us.
I’m a WOHM and my MIL takes care of E till I get back from work. Weekends I take care so she can go and do as she pleases. She will be going to the USA in about 2 weeks and I could have easily asked my Mother to come take care of E but I refused. I have made Daycare arrangements for about 6 months and if it goes really well then would continue half day even after MIL comes back. If it doesn’t then I would quit. Nothing is more important than E.
Sorry for hoggin the comments
Thank you WM 🙂
It is important to see that in laws do not feel taken for granted.. that the kids responsibility is just assumed to be theirs.
What you have done is really commendable!.. It is so good to not pressurize them to help you out as much as possible.
No issue with the comment… I am just glad you commented :D.
Scenario 2 for me.
Apart from the fact that we are making parents come out of their well-deserved retirement by thrusting a baby in their hands, we do have an unusual amount of aversion towards daycare and hence we desperately stick to the grand parents’ route(never mind their priorities)
I know a lot of sunshine-y children who go to daycare. but yeah, the trouble here is finding a good one 😦
Oh :(.. I am sure you are not as horrible as you would want me to believe 😛
I just hate to see this too, Piyu. Esp the grandparents that travel the world to baby-sit their grandkids. I think a lot of grandparents should have the freedom to pursue their interests after having slogged their whole lives. Why take care of a baby and toddler when you need to take care of your own health and mind.
But being a parent who has absolutely no support from grandparents, I miss it too. Though I work from home, there have been innumerable instances when having grandparents living at home or at least nearby would have taken so much pressure off me.
I think a nice balance would be good. Where grandparents pitch in some of the time, and still get their free months to travel, have their hobbies or continuing careers etc. Where both grandparents and nannies/daycares are used when the parents are both working.
My mom was always a ‘working woman’ and still is, and she was always adamant that she would not baby-sit my kids, but honestly, I feel the lack of additional support often. It does take a village to raise a child. The burden can get too much on 1 or 2 parents.
That would be the ideal scenario.. Where you could have the option to turn to grand-parents when you absolutely need to.. but otherwise for daily needs you can rely on daycare/nanny.
I am not a parent yet.. so I think I am getting a little carried away.. I guess life will teach me that lesson, and I’ll realise how big the burden gets with only the parents to take care of the kids.
Welcome to my space Stars!.. It is lovely having you here.