Why do parents oppose inter-regional relationships? Do they not care about their children? How or more importantly why do they care so much about what would society say rather than thinking about the happiness of their child for a lifetime? Don’t they love their children? Or do they believe that the child will truly be happy only with a person of similar background? I agree that similar background makes the changes associated with marriage a little simpler, but how can that be a necessity is beyond me.
I have seen so many of my friends where parents have opposed marriage, just because the chosen partner is from a different region/ speaks a different language/ belongs to a different sub-caste. It’s not like they hail from villages or something. They are very well-educated, highly successful surgeons!Β Yet, just because the guy is from a different region, they don’t approve of him. It’s the 21st century for gods sake! My friend suffered for 4 long years before her parents finally accepted that she won’t give up on the guy, and agreed to the marriage. But those 4 years, she went through hell. Another dear friend has broken off just because the guys parents could not accept her since she is from a little lower class than then, it doesn’t matter that she is extremely intelligent, and caring and loves the guy very very much.
Can anyone please explain the rationale behind such thinking?
PS. My parents have been great in this respect.. They were (almost) relieved that I chose P myself π
Hmmmm.. Parents still belong to an era where kids spent a lot time with their own and each others’ families. Where culture/ language/ regional/ religious differences could still make a difference. Imagine living with an entire family whose language and ways make no sense to you. If you see it from their point of view, you will have to give them that. I think more than society, it’s about how much their own kids will be able to adjust to these differences after they get married. Being in love before marriage and after are different things. So I will give it to parents.. Really! I think it just takes some time convincing them that our generation and how we live are far removed from theirs.. It’s only about them not being able to believe their kids are mature enough to take such big calls in life correctly. And if one can convince them it’s their upbringing that has helped them take the call and it really can’t be wrong, I don’t think this can stay such a big issue for long. They are parents after all!
Yes, I can understand the part where cultural upbringing being different would make it difficult for the child to adjust. Parents may think that the kid is fool to fall in love, and doesn’t really have the maturity to think it through. But I think a visit at-least to the other persons family, checking the kind of people they are, and if they seem open-minded enough to the new person entering in the household, should calm those fears a little bit.
I have heard stories where parents don’t even want to evaluate/consider the person their child wishes to marry! The worst case is when they openly reject the person, saying what about our status in society, what will people say etc..
And I was thinking that era ended with that multistarrer Ishq Vishq.. π Sad..
Very π¦
Hi there,
First time commenter. Perhaps our parents think that after having kids it will be difficult to choose which religion the kids will follow. Other then that i dont see any point. it will definitely take a while more for them to overcome these THOUGHT obstacles
Thanks for dropping by, and welcome to the blog π
Religion.. hmm.. that may be an issue, but even apart from religions, people are still so hung up on region, caste, language and such :(.. I hope the mindset starts changing.. slowly though it maybe.
Well, parents do give the excuse of ‘adjustment difficulties’ while opposing such marriages, but frankly, even they know it is all psycological. I know this guy whose parents refused the girl becos she was from a higer caste, and ‘would’ look down upon them!
Anyway, it is all in the mind. And about what ‘others’ would say. Relatives and neighbours, and other totally unimportant people. I have extremely strong thoughts on this matter, so wont’ say anything more!
I was lucky too that way, saved my parents of all the hard work, and then my sis followed my footsteps! Lucky parents mine are, I tell you! π
Good for us and our parents π .. My parents are hoping that bro follows my footsteps π
Well, I just feel they r driven by society and customs .. head takes over the heart. I hv ranted enuf in a post already before π
Ya.. But its so sad.. and heartbreaking for the kid ..
Good Morning Piyu,
First hand experience coming ur way, the spouse and me are from different religions, states and corners of this country called India and they was a lot of hooplah about us getting married n we called ours National Intergration:).
Now we have to take in a lot of facts and emotions here, let me summarise and maybe I could post on my blog some more lingering views
Parents absolutely dot on their children, they are thier assets and to see them comfortablly settled and happy are any parents wish. So when we go to them, with a proposal for marriage with a person from another religion/caste/state/class, however matured and broadmined we are, we should realise that we lack their experience in years. We might be ready to conquer the world with this person, but the difficulties to settle into another home with entirely different values and rituals are very difficult. It is difficult even with same backgroud marriages, talk about such extreme differences!!!
So they care, therefore, they reject, maybe it could be the possessiveness, their selfishness that their kid should get the best in everything…..
there was a time when my Dad told me that he would positively break the legs of the guy who falls in love with me and I so did not want to marry a handicapped π for the love for the guy:P… but when the time came and told my 3 that I want to marry AB, the one and only question put forth by my 3 was….How serious are u about this…and when they knew, they immersed themselves in the marriage preparations and got me married off in the most memorable way possible:):):):)…
Luck is a big factor Piyu, we are lucky to have got into a household which understands our difficulty to follow certain ways and our total ignorance of some, and our astonishing knowlegde of some of their rituals n scripts…but many are not lucky enough, and they feel it a burden after a time… after all state/religion/caste/class brings out the worst in a human being and that surfaces after marriage, esp when kids are born…
So don’t judge parents for what they do, because as they say, we will know the pain only when we are in their shoes…But parents who refuse to listen at all, I don’t like the sound of them…
I’ve written something here, not too related but something…
http://pinashpinash.blogspot.com/2009/12/to-love-or-not-to-love_17.html
Ashes
Luck is such a big factor.. As I said earlier I can understand parents being skeptical about their kid’s choice.. What really gets me is those who refuse to listen..
In fact skeptical parents are good, because they are bound to check the person, and his family with a lot of rigor. They definitely have the good interests of kid at their heart π
ooooooooooooooops that’s such a loooooooooooong comment! Sorry!!
No issues :).. Thanks for giving your first hand perspective to the whole thing..
I am going to abstain from commenting on this one! Not fallen in love yet, not married yet, no idea what my future has in store for moi. So, no comments! π
All the best π
Pinash – i love ur explanation of the situation…Piyu…i feel that parents do love their kids and will always want whats good for us…I think it’s just how much “power” they choose to exude to allow u to make a decision
My mom always says – “i can advice u on what’s wrong/right, but in the end its ur decision and if ur decision is wrong and u fall into the pit, i will be there to pull u out”
and i must say my mom was really relieved when i found someone…she just wouldn’t have been able to do the “daughter dikhao-ing” routine
“I think itβs just how much βpowerβ they choose to exude to allow u to make a decision”
I think you have hit the nail on its head Nut π
You know it’s quite funny.. Arranged marriages are no longer about “daughter dikhana”, it’s more like a hangover we have from all the stories we hear from our cousins… I had an arranged marriage. But I was very clear that I was not going to meet anybody’s parents, nor have anyone come evaluate me. And my parents were more supportive than I had imagined.
My husband and I spoke on the phone, met, dated for months… Everything without any kind of pressure from our respective parents. In fact there never was any pressure at all. In 6 months, we agreed we wanted to get married. And it’s 10 months now that we have been married to each other and we have found this awesome friendship between us apart from love. I guess I got lucky, but I had to tell you the story in defense of the likes of us who had arranged marriages π
Hey Tamanna, Sorry if it sounded v medieval…just needed to find a term to describe arranged marriages!
Naah.. That’s OK. I understand these reservations. I used to have them too π
Such a cool arranged marriage π
Most cases I hear, the parents demand a verdict in 1-2 meetings :(, which seems totally impossibe
I don’t get it myself Piyu..some parents are still rooted in ‘humaare jamaane mein’ while the current generation has moved on too far..too fast for them to keep up with.
But I think, we are also stuck in ‘Will not get married till my parents say yes’. If you love someone and know he/she is the right person for you, why is so much power handed over to the parents that they can drag the person you love through mud? Why can’t we have the guts to standup for that person and say ‘No more, we will listen to that crap no more’.
Sorry, too many people I know going through this pain and am constantly amazed at the sheer spinelessness of some people to take a stand which in the end results in the other person not only loosing all respect for the would-be in-laws but the person they are in love with.
Same here, I have seen too many of my friends go through this pain, which was the reason for this post..
I completely agree with you. If convincing them doesn’t work, and they are not ready to even listen, you have to stand up for your partner if you truly believe in your relationship.
In fact whether or not a person takes a stand for his/her partner is a good test of the relationship. If someone fails it, they did not deserve the person in the first place.